About that theme park: An o-pun letter to Nickelodeon

Dear Nick,

I want to start off by saying, I’m a huge Nickelodeon fan. My childhood (and even an embarrassing chunk of my adulthood) has been shaped and molded by your programming. I was that kid solving puzzles with Steve and Blue, thinking I was the Sherlock freaking Holmes when I figured it out early. I grew up with Kenan and Kel, I cried my little heart out when Kenan moved to Pumice, Montana. And Hey, Arnold! Man, Hey Arnold. Damn it if I don’t know all those kid names like they were my real life best friends. All of this was before the advent of Spongebob in which most of my “humor” as an adult person is based on. The point I’m making is: I’m a HUGE fan but grab a Blue’s Clue and figure it out, you’re making a huge mistake with this Palawan Theme Park thing.

Don’t get me wrong, an underwater Nickelodeon theme-park sounds like its All That, but building it on top of one of the Philippines’ most pristine locales is a bad idea. Someone has to have the Global Guts to say it. Palawan is one of our most beautiful and untouched natural wonders. We love it. We’re proud of it. We want to see our little Rugrats experience it. It’s home to 2 UNESCO World Heritage Sites, the Tubbataha Reef and the Underground River. We don’t want to see it reduced to a legend in the Hidden Temple. I get that you’re going to enact safeguards and such to preserve the native marine life but maybe you should take a cue from Dora and go explore some other options.

Clarissa doesn’t have to explain it all for you to know what sort of damage 100 Hectares of Underwater Theme Park could do to a fragile aquatic eco-system. Noah knows you have to make room that those “signature underwater restaurants” somewhere. This is a move straight outta Big Bob Pataki’s playbook and unlike him, we don’t want to see the fishes go the way of the beeper. We haven’t even talked about waste management yet. The fact of the matter is there’s going to be a lot of Invader Zims to the local eco-system. There’s all the waste the park’s visitors will produce, as well as its employees. There’s also all the maintenance gunk your pump in to your machines once it’s operational and let’s not forget about all the dust and smoke and crap you’re going to produce just building the whole thing to begin with.

I know you mean well, Nickelodeon (and your partner Coral World Park) I’ve trusted you with my childhood now trust me when I say this: if you go through with this and you inevitably end up ruining one of our most-prized national treasures, all your good will here will go Kablam! and you’ll be branded as real monsters.

Now there’s some vital information for ya.


Raffy Leynes is the Dan Schneider of Geekend Gladiators. He’s watched so much Nickelodeon as a kid he is barely an adult in his modern life. Whenever he cracks a joke he’s always half-expecting applause from a live studio audience or slime.

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