Transformers 4: Age of Extinction was bad. Real Bad. Let us count the ways.
(Spoilers: There are spoilers ahead.)
“My face is my warrant”
It’s this, “You try getting insurance on a spaceship” and other crappy half-ass dialogue that make even 8-year olds cringe in their seat. Honestly, I’ve seen better lines in a squiggle.
Because this, apparently, is what a Robotics Engineer looks like:
Really? REALLY?! When do you find time work out? In between soldering circuit matrices and calibrating actuators?
And this is apparently what a 16 year old daughter looks like:
This is a remorseless Black-ops Agent:
He dies in a really gruesome death via football. Because AMERICA!
And this is, apparently, a really good race car driver:
In a movie where the cars are sentient and can drive themselves. Bloody Brilliant.
95% of the movie is people running from explosions
Now I’m all for “Bayhem” when done right, but in this movie, they blow up every set-piece, every car and every piece of cover they can strap some fireworks on. After a while you just get numb to it. A whole city block exploding while cars flip over engulfed in flames loses its luster after you’ve seen it half a dozen times in the same damn movie.
I would never have guessed that 30-foot transforming robot warriors from space would be “tampuhin” but when business tycoon Joshua Joyce (played by Stanley Tucci) tells them:“We can make you now. Don’t you get it? We don’t need you anymore!”, Optimus-frickin’-Prime, Commander of all badassery, just gave his bully the stink-eye, turned to his Autobots and damn-near said “awwww, come on you guys, lets go home”
Read that again. Transformium. Yeah.
Quite fittingly, the third suckiest thing about Transformers 4 is the movie’s runtime. The thing clocks in at an agonizing 2 hours and 45 Minutes. Almost THREE WHOLE HOURS of explosions, chase scenes, and badly written, ass-dragging dialogue. I’m willing to bet that if you cut all that stuff out, all that’s left would be 4 minutes of Dinobots. And frankly, that would have been a way better movie.
The whole first act of the of the movie was setting up the fact that the humans were using Megatron’s head to create their own transformers, headed (pun intended) by their crowning glory, Galvatron. But surprise, surprise: Galvatron IS Megatron!
So it seems that the stage is set for an epic three-way smackdown between Optimus Prime, his age old nemesis, Megatron and new baddie Lockdown. But when Lockdown and Prime start bashing each others heads in and Megatron is about to enter the fray… …he doesn’t. He just says the equivalent of “Meh, I’m not feeling it today, later, chumps!”.
All that build up and Megatron just peaces out.
Finally, and most criminal of all, Transformers 4 made Optimus “Mutha-trucking” Prime, sucky. Never mind that he completely fixed his critically-damaged body by just scanning some random passing truck. Never mind that he got a little pissy when his feelings were hurt. Never mind all that crap.
The dude can fucking FLY.
Not just jump high or glide.
FLY TO FUCKING SPACE.
He was being chased the whole damn movie by rogue black-ops agents, neo-decepticons and space bounty-hunters. And then there was that Seed thing that would obliterate the earth. Both problems could have been solved Prime had just yoinked the Seed from Lockdown and flew away. Instead, He had the Autobots, Marky Mark and the audience subjected to explosions and high-speed chase scenes and obscene amounts collateral damage and “my face is my warrant.”
If I were Bumblebee, I would have just shot him.
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Raffy Leynes is a geek of all trades (master of fun).He loves videogames, comicbooks, movies, 90’s cartoons, wrestling, and art. Lately, he’s been liking his geekery with a dash of “Indie”. He doesn’t know what the f*ck musings are but he is told he does them on his Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.